Two Endings
1
“Hello?”
“Hey Matt.”
“Hey Jan…how are things?”
“OK…fucked up…you know. How are you doing?”
“I don’t know, still pretty fucked up too…Kale and Tom are here right now, we just started drinkin’, I finished calling everyone though...”
“Thanks Matt, I really appreciate you doing that for me… How’d it go?
“About the same as that first night. I did finally talk to Shawn last night though…that was hard, telling him…”
“Oh God, I forgot about Shawn, how’d he take it?”
“Hard…I called ‘em back later and he wouldn’t answer, and nobody there answered today, so I don’t know…I’m guessin’ he’ll show up here tonight or tomorrow.”
“…I miss you guys, you better keep in touch after all this.”
“You know I will.”
“Yeah, but make sure they do too, I know how they are Matt…”
“Yeah, I know, I’ll do my best. Any word on the funeral?”
“We’re still trying to figure out where it’s going to be, but I think it’ll be on Saturday. I’ll probably know for sure tomorrow. Also Matt, I, a, I’m trying to figure out why he was up on that road when it happened, do you have any idea?”
“Yeah, kinda…I didn’t say anything Tuesday because you’d just told me, and you were a mess…we both were a mess…he was coming back from Tehachapi.”
“What would he be doing in Tehachapi?”
“He had a friend there.”
“What kind of friend, a girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Who was she?”
“Sarah.”
“Sarah, Sarah who, did I know her?”
“No.”
“Who was she then?”
“Jan, I don’t...”
“Matt, just be fucking real with me, tell me what was up.”
“She was a girl he was seeing up there, none of us knew her really…they’d met at SlowJoes a while ago.”
“He’d been seeing her for a while?”
“No, he...”
“…And SlowJoes, what, did you guys go there all the time after I stopped living there?”
“No, it wasn’t like that at all Jan, he’d only gone there a couple times. The night he met her I wasn’t even there, he was with Dalton...”
“Oh, of course, Dalton…”
“Just wait, listen…He hadn’t been seeing her for a while, they talked and e-mailed each other off and on after they’d met, months ago, back in like September. But, a couple weeks after she just stopped e-mailing or calling him back. He said she was living with her boyfriend or something at the time…shit Jan, I just found all this out a couple weeks ago.”
“What?”
“He kept it all quiet, even from me. I mean Dalton told me about them the day after they met, at work, but Andy never told us he’d kept in touch with her after that night.”
“So, she had a boyfriend and Andy was getting with her?”
“No, I don’t think he did anything with her back then, or even saw her, they just e-mailed each other and talked on the phone once in a while. She e-mailed him again a few weeks ago, that’s when he started seeing her more seriously… ”
“When did he finally let you in on all this?”
“Well, one night he just started talkin’ about her. He said he’d been talking to her a lot, and driven up there a couple of times to see her…I was surprised, seriously Jan. I went to Slowjoes with him one night to meet her, and her friends...”
“When was this?”
“Couple weeks ago…I wanted to get out, get drunk, hangout with some chicks, ya know? And, I was curious...”
“Yeah, I’m sure you were. Well, what was she like? Was she hot at least?”
“Yeah, she’s pretty…”
“How pretty?”
“Come on Jan…”
“What’d she look like?”
“I don’t know, big blue eyes that kinda stood out, cute face, straight blond hair ‘bout down to her shoulders…a big ass…”
“Big in a good way or big in a bad way?”
“In a good way…”
“What about her friends?”
“Not as hot as she was, they were cool though…look Jan, I gave him a hard time about her at first because of you guys...”
“Don’t give me that shit Matt, I know how you are…”
“Nah seriously, it wasn’t like that…I did, I fucked with him about still being married, but I think it was kinda getting’ to him; he’d get all quiet. She was just how he was dealing with it all, ya know? He was lonely, I mean you haven’t lived there for close to a year now…he told me you’d wanted to divorce him at that point, that you didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. I didn’t know what to think about it all, I thought you guys were really done, ya know? As a man, I kinda understood it all...”
“Does everyone know about her now Matt, know that he was coming back from seeing her that night?”
“No, it’s not like that. As far as I know Dalton and I are the only ones who knew he’d been seeing her at all, and I tell people that ask, even these guys, I tell ‘em I don’t know why he was on that road; I don’t wanna deal with all that shit right now.”
Silence.
“So, he was sleeping with her huh?”
“I don’t know...”
“Matt, it was three in the morning when he got in the accident, don’t give me that shit, I know he’d tell you…he had huh?’
She begins to cry.
“ Jan…are you gonna be ok with all this?”
“No.”
“God, I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have brought all this up right now¾”
“Stop fuckin’ apologizing Matt, you’re only telling me what he should’ve told me...”
“You know he was always madly in love with you, he was constantly telling me how bad he wanted you and Maddy living there again…and most of the time he was trying really hard to be what he thought you wanted him to be.”
“I know…and I know he wanted us back there, but he was only lonely, he wasn’t willing to change like I wanted him to…”
“Maybe he didn’t know how to change like you wanted him to.”
“Either way Matt, his wanting us back wasn’t making it happen. I mean come on, he still got mad at me all the time, and said things to me that were totally out of line...the other day he told me to ‘fuck off’, right in front of Maddy…he doesn’t tell you about those times does he…”
“He didn’t love this girl Jan.”
“How do you know? He was sleeping with her…”
“Come on, you know how that is.”
“Oh, I do? I know you boys, I know it’s always gotta be about that…”
“Come on Jan¾”
“I should’ve expected it I guess…”
“…maybe…”
“It’s just, hearing it like this, now, after he’s gone…it’s all just too damn unfair.”
“Jan, I’m sorry…”
2
“January, when do you have to have it all out of here? Have you talked to his landlord about that yet?” Her mom asks loudly, standing in the middle of Andy’s living room¾it’s a typical square apartment living room, three-cushion couch on one wall and an entertainment center sandwiched between two bookshelves on the other. Her mom looks just like her, straight brown hair that rests just past her shoulders, only where Jan’s has streaks of blond from a Sunday desert sun, her mom’s has streaks of gray¾and like Jan’s always either in a pony tail, or tucked behind her ears. There are likenesses in her mom’s beautiful, aged movie star face, the cursive nose, round, sincere green-blue eyes.
Jan enters the entryway behind her, holding two cardboard boxes in each hand,
“She was nice about it mom, she told me no hurry, it’s the beginning of the month anyway, he just paid rent,” she says, out of breath, dropping the boxes and walking into the living room where she stands next to her mom. “God mom, remember this couch…it’s still nice, kinda,” she says sitting down on the aged blue couch.
She begins looking around the room and noticing the memories, his smell still floating in the air, the angry knuckle imprint in the wall right next to the front door, a glass half full of what looks to be melted ice and coke on the table next to the couch, and his body’s shape, still indented in the cushions of the small white chair where he’d sit to watch TV or write in his notebooks.
She turns, and her eyes find the pictures scattered across the top of the bookshelves. She stands, walks to them quietly, grabs one, holds it a second, holding back the tears, then another, this one of Andy and his mom at his high school graduation
“Things like this mom, this is the kind of stuff I was talking about last night, should I give this to his dad?”
“I don’t know honey, would his dad really want stuff like that? It may just end up in a box somewhere. I think you should save it all for you and Maddy.”
Jan puts that one back, spotting a larger frame further back,
“Mom, look,” she says reaching up and grabbing it. The picture looks down on Andy holding a newborn Maddy in his arms. She holds it there, quietly becoming lost in the image, and soon they’re both staring into it.
Jan begins to cry.
“That’s when I loved him most mom…the day she was born…”
“I know…Gaad, she’s going to miss him soo much...”
Jan’s silent.
Her mom sighs, pulling away, and shaking her head. She walks over to grab an empty cardboard box from the entryway. She picks it up, and walks over to one of the bookshelves full of books, and drops the box right in front of it.
“Did he really read all of these books?” she asks perusing the shelves, her fingers finding titles.
“He read a most of them…he was funny about books.” Jan says, looking up from the picture and walking over to where her mom is. “He was funny like that, he’d buy books at that thrift store up the street, and be all excited about one, then a week later he’d find another one there, and start it; sometimes he’d never go back to finish the first one. Up there, that’s all his writing stuff mom, I want that in a separate box,” she says pointing to a stack of folders and notebooks of various sizes leaned by themselves on the highest shelf. A lot of that I haven’t even seen or read,” she says reaching with her free hand to grab them, but she struggles to grip it.
“Here honey, let me help you,” her mom says, grabbing the stack out with two hands.
“Thanks mommy.”
“Let’s read some of it right now.”
“I don’t know…”
“Let’s…” her mom says, looking at her with this short smile.
“Go ahead,” Jan responds, with the same half smile.
And her mom takes it all over to the couch where she sits down, dropping the stack on her lap. She opens the cover of a square composition book on top¾it’s one of those typical black and white speckled hard covered ones, like you’d buy for school.
“What did he usually write about January?”
“He wrote about all kinds of things,” she says sitting down next to her, the large picture frame still in her hands. “He usually wrote poetry, he wrote a lot of short stories…they were always either about his friends, or girls, he wrote a lot about girls,” she says softly. Jan begins to cry, holding it back. “Mom, when do you think I’ll be able to do things like this without crying? I’m so sick of crying…”
“Hon, it’s only been four days.”
“I know, but I’ve cried enough in those four days…”
“January, it may take months, it may take years. There may be things that will always make you cry, like that picture,” she says softly. “Remember Susan, my friend that that died in that car accident I was in, in high school?
“Yeah.”
“There was this picture I had of my her. Someone took it on our first day of school, our junior year, that year before she died. It was from our waists up, and we were both holding out our t-shirts to the camera, laughing. Susan’s was a black Pink Floyd shirt, with the rainbow thingy, ya know, The Dark Side of the Moon album? Mine, well, actually it was her sisters, but it became mine later ‘cause I wore it so much, had this big picture of Robert Plant on stage, this white button-up shirt opened, barely hanging on his shoulders, his chest all exposed, his skin tight leather pants on, and that curly blond hair just all over the place, God, he was so sexy…the big Led Zepplin logo was across the top in red. We both loved that shirt. I wore it all the time...Anyway, after she died, every time I looked at that picture I’d break down…It would just bring back this flood of memories, that shirt, her smile, god, just thinking about it makes me wanna cry. That was the only picture that really made me feel like that, but I always kept it close to me, in the drawer, by my bed”
It’s quiet a moment.
“But January, let’s read some of his writing, maybe we’ll find some stories in here about you, or a poem…I want to see how he wrote,” she says softly, looking down at the composition book on her lap, opened to the first page, “Here’s a poem, it says ‘Take me away’.”
“Read it to me.”
Her mom begins to read aloud,
“I wanted to escape,
but she pulled me back in by my shirtsleeve,
‘come here’, she said, sweet, low like¾
you know that voice they get
when they want something.
‘What?’ ‘Just…’ and she pulled harder,
then on her tippy toes
she whispered,
lips close to my ear on purpose,
‘you don’t want to go,’
‘Yeah I do.’
‘Then go.’ And she let go, and I fell back,
realizing she was holding me there.
I began to walk backwards, slow,
just looking at her,
her looking at me,
that’s when I get those eyes,
looking through me
like radiation flows through solids,
they’d melt into me
the words, the feelings of wanting and needing.
They’d pull me in¾and before I know it,
I’m walking forward
toward her again,
only because
somewhere down deep I know
the second that door’s closed
she’ll push me into it,
find my lips,
and take me away.’
Is this about you honey?”
“Doesn’t sound like it…I don’t know mom, maybe, he wrote all kinds of things about different girls.”
“What, did he have a lot of girls beside you?” she says looking at her with her ‘concerned’ eyes.
“Before me.”
Her mom skims the following pages and begins to read another poem under her breath. Jan still sits there quietly, now looking off into the wall, as if lost in a memory.
“What’s this?”
“It mentions marijuana here Jan,” and her mom reads it aloud,
“What’s it say?”
Her mom reads it,
‘…Let the pen move across paper,
and marijuana mind take over,
so I can quickly get lost in an old memory,
or new one…’
Did he still smoke pot?”
“Mom, come on, you knew he did. Remember when I came home that time, and it smelt like it? He tried to lie to me about it, but I found his pipe and everything that afternoon. We got into that big fight and I came over after...”
“That’s right…”
“Shit, I wouldn’t doubt it if we found his stash around here somewhere,” she says, setting the picture frame down on the couch and standing up, looking around the room for possible hiding places.
“Here’s another one about a girl...”
“What’s it say, read it to me?” Jan says over her shoulder, now bending down on the floor looking into the cupboards underneath the entertainment center. Her mom begins to read,
‘Sweaty shoulder, sweet,
you know what you do,
and I want it so bad, but can’t,
but would if alone with you.
Steal, then inspire,
A soul darkened by things
that cover up what really matters,
the raw attraction, the touch, close.’ Is this about you?”
“I don’t know mom,” Jan says annoyed, now up off the floor. She walks over to the closet, opens it and begins to look around inside. She pulls out a burgundy backpack from the back corner, “I bet it’s in here.”
“What’s in there?”
“His stash mom,” she says, unzipping a small pocket on the front of the backpack. “Aah, look,” Jan says smiling, pulling out a small, black film container. She walks over and drops the backpack on the kitchen counter, then pops open the container, looking inside. A smile forms on her face. Then she goes back to the pocket of the backpack, “His pipe and lighter are in here too, all of it conveniently hidden in one place, some things just never changes with him…”
“What? Let me see,” her mom says, finally looking up from the notebook, and Jan holds it all up for her to see.
“Wow honey…he didn’t do that around Maddy did he?” she asks with her ‘concerned’ eyes again, squinting slightly soft wrinkles extending out around them.
“I hope not. I don’t think he’d do that,” Jan says shaking her head.
“But January, come over here, let’s find stories in here about you and him, things he wrote about you…maybe that last one was honey?”
“I don’t know mom, why does it matter? Shit, half the time he wrote about girls from his past. Those could be poems about some girl he dated years ago.” Jan comes over and sits down next to her mom on the couch, “let me see it for a second,” she says rudely taking the composition book off her mom’s lap¾at which her mom gives a dirty look.
“Hold on mom, I just wanna look through it for a second,” Jan says, flipping through the pages, reading parts of things…“This may not be his recent stuff…” She reads a poem under her breath. None of these sound like they’re about me…wait, here it says Sarah, the title of this is Sarah, I bet this is about her,” Jan says, beginning to read.
“Who’s Sarah?”
“Sarah, that’s her.”
“Who?”
“You know, the one in Tehachapi, the one he was coming back from seeing that night…it looks like there’s a whole story here about her…Isn’t that sweet,” Jan says sarcastically.
“Read it to me, what’s it say?” “I don’t know if I wanna read this right now,” Jan says closing it, looking up at her mom leaving her thumb on the page. “Let’s smoke some of that pot instead,” she says, looking at her mom with a smirk, then at the backpack.
“Are you kidding me?”
“No, I’m dead serious,” she says getting up, dropping the notebook on the couch. She walks back over to the backpack, “It’s just you and me here, nobody has to know.”
“Honey, I haven’t smoked pot in twenty years, I’m afraid of what would happen to me.”
“Come on mom, nothing’s going to happen to you. It’ll be fun.”
“No honey I don’t want to, you can if you want though,” her mom says, picking the composition book back up, and re-opening it on her lap.
“Mom, come on, I don’t wanna do it by myself.”
“Why not, it might make you feel better,” she says looking over at Jan who’d already began to take a small nugget from the little black container, placing it carefully into the small, green metal pipe.
Jan walks back over and sits down next to her mom, and holds the pipe and lighter up to her, “Come on mommy, do it for me, I won’t say anything.”
“No,” her mom says, laughing at her persistence, not looking up from the composition book.
“Stop reading that for a second and look at me.”
Her mom looks up at her, then at the pipe. She gives Jan this crinkled forehead, contemplative look, then smiles, drops the notebook and takes the pipe, putting it to her lips and motioning Jan to light it for her. Jan smiles and lights it as her mom puffs away, then coughs loudly with a sloppy exhale of smoke.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” cough, cough, “yeah I’m fine,” she says regaining her breath, giving the pipe back to Jan, who smokes it with flawless exhale¾her mom watching intently.
“What, do you smoke all the time too?”
Jan shakes her head, “Come on mom you know me, I haven’t smoked since I was in high school.” Which is a lie, she smokes occasionally with her friends, but never around Andy; that would’ve been hypocritical of her, for her constant harassing him about it.
She gives it back to her mom, who this time hits it much smoother, giving only a small cough and laugh as she exhales, “Honey, we definitely didn’t have weed that tasted like this when I was young,” she says smiling, handing Jan back the pipe. They both look at each other with red, squinted eyes and start laughing.
“We should read this story, or poem, or whatever it was,” her mom says, the notebook already re-opened on her lap. She looks at Jan who thinks about it for a second.
“I don’t know mom. I mean you can if you want, I just don’t know if I wanna read that right now.”
“I understand.” Her mom says, putting her hand on her leg, “I shouldn’t push it.”
It’s quiet a minute,
“OK, but you read it to me, and if I say stop, stop.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”“ I’m so high honey…” her mom says laughing.
“You’re such a light weight mommy.”
“January, it’s been twenty years, give me a break…Alright, let’s read this, you ready?”
“Yeah.”
“…OK, here goes, ‘If you drive west, past the last of the happy track homes, toward only the brown emptiness and setting sun of the hot desert afternoon you can eventually turn left onto an ancient street that leads due north, and is strewn with potholes the size of giant’s footsteps; where only desert sage, joshuas, and 110 degree onion fields, full of dark skinned migrant workers scatter the sides. Here, you climb from the desert ocean that stretches off into the horizon, up the fingers of rolling hills, into green mountains where pine trees scatter as you go higher, and rows of giant metal tower wind propellers¾like enormous robot guardians¾protect the small pocket of heaven on the other side of the hills from the despair of the desert. I fell in love with this drive, on that lonely road, because I could stretch my mind out across the openness of those scenic sunset afternoons and straighten out aching frustrations. And, I could leave the desolate desert sadnesses behind, and escape into the place on the other side; a little oasis in the hills where Sarah lived…’ He tried to be very poetic didn’t he?”
“Yeah, I never liked it really. He didn’t used to write like that. It’s funny, after he started reading certain books his writing would change, he would start to sound like one author, then another…sometimes it was kinda cool, ‘cause he’d make it his own, yet kinda theirs at the same time, ya know?” she says softly with sadness in her voice, “But, I didn’t like all the wordiness…I liked his writing when he was younger, it was raw, less manufactured…looking back I probably gave him too hard a time about it though…” she ends sadly.
“Are you sure your in the mood for this right now honey? I mean, there are a lot of other things we need to do.
“No mom, come on, keep going.”
“Ok… ‘First though, I have to take you back to that night, long before I fell in love with that road, and the place it led me; back to the night I first saw her.
‘See, my wife and I had just separated. It had only been a couple weeks since she’d moved out, and I remember being emotionally drained from the stresses of arguments between her and I about money, about our daughter, and what ever else she could conjure up on any given day.’” Her mom looks at her, smiles, goes back to reading.
“ ‘On top of that I’d just started the new school year teaching sixth and seventh graders, which meant the addition of one hundred and fifty or so eleven and twelve year olds to my relentless anxiety and chronic, incurable headache¾that for weeks never seemed to go away, no matter how many Excedrin I took, producing in me a melancholy that bordered on depression.
‘So, when Dalton insisted I go with him to this local bar/nightclub called Slowjoes to unwind on some random Wednesday night, I welcomed the opportunity. See, here in the desert, any bar that played loud, trendy music at least one night a week, and had a place to dance, could be considered a nightclub I suppose, and Slowjoes could be considered our local ‘cool’ nightclub¾even though it was usually full of country cowboy types, or meat head pool players drunk on Miller high life.
‘On Wednesdays it was ladies night there, and females eighteen and over got in free, and drink specials meant those old enough would laugh and dance drunk late into the night; and I liked the idea of that. Thing was, I’d never been to Slowjoes before, I’d only heard stories from Dalton¾who’d recently ended his relationship of three years and become quite the local there. He’d been telling me for weeks that there were girls there now and then worth the trip, and hangover the next morning¾but, I always knew that in the desert the attractive drunk jewels I liked to imagine being there were just that, conjured imaginings, the reality of course being you see maybe one or two mediocre young girls, who from a distant are sometimes dissent at first, then hotter as the rum sinks in.
‘Upon entering SlowJoes there’s large, overweight meathead bouncer that pats you down and checks your ID with FBI intention in their eyes¾serious, looking through yours as they hold it next to your face.
‘Once inside, there’s a large patio of sorts, with long, rectangular windows that open out to the sidewalk on one side, booths along the opposite side, and tables scattering the floor between. Then, there there’s the soup of people to cut through, scattered around the tables¾jock types with shiny styled hair, polo or collared button up shirts on, attractive young high school looking girls under their arms, old men with gray hair, and tight levis, t-shirts tucked in, fat girls with eighties styled bangs sprayed up high; and once through the crowd there’s a small, low-key bar that’s off to one side with stools in front of it.
‘We planted ourselves on two of them where Dalton knew the bartender who kept ‘em strong as he watched our ‘vanishing rum and Cokes show’; one after another disappearing from the bar top…’ “Did he really drink like that January?”
“No, not usually, not rum and coke. When he was with me it was always beer, he didn’t usually drink hard alcohol anymore. But, here, he’s out with Dalton, so I guess he’s gotta drink the harder stuff, ya know?”
She smiles, and nods, then continues,“ ‘…until we were finally buzzed enough to check out the dance floor in the deep, dark back of the place.
‘Dalton looked at me and smiled. He stood up, and I stumbled off my barstool, gathered my senses and had to quickly follow him to the dance floor¾who like a war general pushed his way through the crowd making a path.
‘I knew the dance floor was where the girls would be if there were any there truly worth looking at, or wanting to be looked at. And this is where you get to see female’s true sexinesses, the whole floor was alive, moving to music that bounced and pulsated off black lit walls, as lights flashed above generating an array of colors illuminating the bobbing heads of the dancers.
‘We became part of the stew of sideliners¾boys standing around watching the girls, with either no intention to dance, or like us, eyeing out the prospects. We stood there a second, right on the edge of the floor, mapping out who might be hidden amongst the random desert crowd; myself still finishing the sixth or so Rum and Coke--drinks weren’t aloud on the dance floor and there was one of those large, overweight meathead men with a bully mean face hiding there in a dark corner, who I would’ve never seen if Dalton hadn’t put his arm out to stop me just before I stepped out onto the floor, then motioning with his eyes to the large man whose own eyes were squinted and focused only on me, wanting so bad to spring in with all his slow fatness and use unnecessary force to fling me off into the distance; just to make an example of me.
‘At this point I was really jonesing for a face, just one alone, one that lit that fire, and would allow me to just pull up with this cute shiny smile, move in close, and feel alive with the raw, nervousness of newness.
‘Dalton disappeared onto the floor, and I watched him find a small dark corner where two young looking, dark skinned, latino girls danced in the darkness. They had pretty Spanish faces, big brown eyes, with tight pants, and Dalton could dance, moving in low to them at first, smiling, them smiling and laughing in return.
‘I filtered through the crowd with my eyes, hoping to spot that one lonely jewel who couldn’t resist…then there she was.
‘It was as if every face on the floor disappeared leaving only hers¾and I know that sounds cliché and corny, but this is literal, she was actually that excitably hot looking, beer goggles or no beer goggles, just one of those faces that stands out in any crowd, soft glow skin, full lips, and these big blue marbles for eyes that sparkled under the reds, purples and greens of lights above, straight blond hair loose and bouncing on her shoulders.
‘I walked over to a table to set down my now empty glass, and moved in to see her from a different angle. She didn’t appear to be with any boys, just two girlfriends that smiled and laughed at each other as they danced together. I moved onto the floor slowly as the song came to an end, and as I got closer I could feel my heartbeat thumpthumpthump as I began to bounce and dance my way slowly through the bodies that bumped into me as the new song began.
‘I pushed through quicker, came up behind her and started moving with her¾at a distance at first, and her friends smiled at me, her unaware. Then I came in really close, and put my nose in her hair, her hands and arms brushed mine¾which when she felt she immediately turned to face me surprised with those blue marbles shimmering in colorful strobe, and her big smile greeting me.’
‘What’s your name,’ I said, ‘Sarah,’ she responded, surprised, and squinted her eyes, unsure, then turned away from me, but continued to move with me, close.’
‘It’s magnetics pulling when you feel it on both sides, and she liked my dance moves, nice guy smile, and fingertips slowing inching their way up and down the lower part of her arms as she danced closer. It was then that I knew she was becoming turned on by the same newness tinge¾when all that matters is that feeling, and I was getting my fill just being there next to her.”
“Stop there.” Jan said, putting her hand on her mom’s arm, who just looks at her for a second with her ‘concerned’ eyes.
“What’s wrong?” and Jan is silent, eyes closed, clearly trying to hold back tears.
“That was us once…and he would write about me like that mom, and I loved it. I loved it when it was about me…but I never told him. I can’t ever tell him now, or listen to him defend himself, defend his writing to me like he used to…God, why did he ever have to defend it to me. It sucks it was ever like that. Why didn’t I just tell him I loved what wrote, even if I didn’t like how he wrote it…I was so fuckin’ stupid for being that way to him.”
3
“Hello?”
“Matt, it’s me.”
“Hey Jan, how are ya?”
“Tired, hanging in there though. How ‘bout you?”
“Hung-Over, we drank a lot last night…”
“I’m sure you did…”
“So, what’s going on?”
The funeral’s going to be Saturday, at that church Eric and Susan got married at, over on P, ‘member? We’ll have the services there, and then I thought just his closest friends, ya know, whoever you think, could come to the cemetery with us.”
“Ok, I’ll tell a few people. It’ll probably be the same people you’d pick...”
“I know, I just don’t wanna even think right now, I’m exhausted…and Matt, just try not to leave anybody out, anyone that might get upset they weren’t invited…”
“I know, I won’t. Is there anything else you need?”
“Did you call that girl Sarah, or has someone gotten in touch with her?”
“No. I don’t have her number.”
“I wonder if she even knows about Andy?”
“I guess it’s possible she read about it in the paper or something, because I’m sure she’s been trying to call him...don’t you have his cell?
“See, that’s the thing, I couldn’t find her name in his cell phone, or written down anywhere...It’s turned off, I didn’t want to answer it if it rang…”
“You should turn it on, see if she’s called.”
“OK, hold on…there’s twelve calls, Larry, Larry, No number…Who’s Larry?”
“Larry, that’s her.”
“What?”
“He kept it in his phone under Larry so you wouldn’t question who she was, or why this random girl’s name was in there.”
“I never even touched his cell phone…”
“I don’t know Jan, I think he thought that if you found out about him and any girl you’d never go back to him, he’d loose you forever…I think somewhere deep inside he always thought you’d get back together…someday.”
“Here’s her number,” she says looking at the phone, “there’s Larry and LarryHm, maybe I’ll just call her.”
“Really?”
“I don’t know, I found this notebook he had, it has stories and poems in it that I think are all about her…I just kind of felt like maybe she needed something of his, and maybe she wants to come to the funeral.”
“Don’t you think that’d be weird?”
“Yeah maybe, I don’t know, it seems like the right thing to do, don’t you think?”
“Let me call her first and make sure she knows about it, then you can call. That would really suck, you having to tell her he’s dead, ya know?”
“Yeah...I guess.”
“Give me the numbers.”
4
“Hello, is Sarah there?”
“Yeah, hold on, ‘Sarah, phooone.”
“Hello.”
“Hi, Sarah?”
“Yeah?”
“This is Jan, January, Andy’s wife.” There’s a second or two of silence. “Hello, are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” she says softly.
“I know this is weird, but Matt told me he’d talked to you, and I wanted to at least invite you to the services myself? Do you know where that’s at?”
“Yeah.”
“I, a, I wanted to give you something too.”
“What.”
“It’s a notebook, Andy had this notebook with a bunch of stuff he’d written about you in it…”
Sarah begins to cry.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” she whispers. “Thanks for calling…I don’t know if I’m gonna go yet...”
“Don’t feel weird about going...”
“I know…I’m sorry this is just weird talking and crying on the phone with you.”
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring the notebook to the funeral. If you do decide to go, and feel up to it, look for me, and I’ll give it to you, ok?”
“Thanks Jan…I do appreciate you calling.”
5
“So, I think I have everything…Jan, are you sure you’re gonna be ok tonight? I can stay as long as you need.”
“No mom, I’ll be fine.”
“Maddys finally sleeping?”
“Yeah…today was hard.”
“I know. It’s been heart wrenching watching her go through this…are you sure you’re gonna be ok alone?” she says putting her hand on her shoulder.
“Yeah, I’d tell you if I wasn’t mom. I need some quiet, alone time.”
“So, she never showed up to get that from you yesterday?” her mom says spotting the notebook on the small table in the entryway.
“No, but Matt told me he saw her there, in the back after things had started.”
“It would’ve been weird don’t you think.”
“Maybe, I kinda wanted to see what she looked like though, ya know?”
“What did Matt say she looked like?”
“Pretty. I was actually thinking about calling her tomorrow, maybe meeting her for lunch sometime.” “You’re that curious huh?”
“I don’t know mom, I just feel like I wanna get rid of that thing, it belongs to her…”
“Send it to her.”
“Nah, I wanna see her…” at that her mom laughs.
“Did you finish reading through it?”
“No, I haven’t opened it since that day.”
“January, we should finish that story, it didn’t look very long,” her mom says picking the notebook up.
Jan looks at it for a second, “OK.” She grabs it and they both walk over to the couch.
“You want something to drink, some coffee, I have some left here?” Jan asks, just before she sits down.
“Yeah, coffee would be good.”
She walks over and returns with a cup, handing it to her mom, who’s already opened the notebook up to the story.
“Do you even remember where we left off?” Jan asks sitting down next to her.
“Umm, I don’t know, I was so high honey, “ and they both start laughing.
“No, seriously, I think we were right here, on the dance floor, ‘I was getting my fill…are you ready for this? Maybe it’s a bad idea right now.”
“Just read it, I’d rather you be here, reading it to me, ‘cause you know I’d end up reading it by myself if it sat here long enough, and I’d be alone...”
“Alright…here goes, ‘and I was getting my fill just being next to her, and she moved in closer, the early shyness already beginning to disappear. She smelt like that section in the back of Victoria’s Secret stores, just this turn me on mixture of berry fragrances, sweaty sweet. Her skin was moist and sticky, and she’d dance with her back turned, putting her ass into me¾bare skin exposed just above the top of her jeans where the purple velvet of her g-string underwear showed. I put my lips on her shoulder to taste the salty sweetness, running my fingers softly across the small of her back, around onto her tummy as we moved together. She leaned her head back a little, and exposed her neck, and I couldn’t resist kissing it. When I did she snapped forward, turned and gave me this smirk as goose bumps formed across her shoulders. I just laughed.
‘Her friends found guys, then a table in the back; clearly getting tired, and that’s when I knew the night was coming to an end. The crowd on the floor had shrunk to four or five dancing couples. Her friends were still smiling drunk, but I could tell they were board and ready to go¾this I knew from their ‘let’s go’ faces looking at us from across the dance floor.
‘At first she ignored them, just smiled and continued to dance close. Then she turned to me and said, ‘I gotta go…’ frustrated
‘You gonna give me your number or what?’ I said to her. ‘I, a, I kinda have a boyfriend…’ she said looking at me with this ‘I’m sorry’ look in those bright blue eyes.
‘So.’
‘Here,’ and she read the number to me as I put it into my phone, then she tugged me close and whispered, ‘I gotta go, I had fun though…call me…’ her lips and soft voice close to my ear, before slowly pulling away.”
“That’s all there is Jan, it stops there.” Jan’s mom examines it a second; “there’s a poem on the next page, but no more of that story, it stops right there in the middle of the page.”
“He never finished it…”
6
“Jan?” and she turns to see her, “Hey, I’m Sarah.”
“Hey Sarah, nice to meet you.” Jan says half standing from the booth seat, reaching out to shake her hand. “Do you even like Italian food, I didn’t even ask. I just said here because it’s right off the freeway; I didn’t really know where to go…”
“No, this place is fine.”
There’s an uncomfortable silence as Sarah sits down and gets situated. Jan watches her, noticing her flawless soft skin face, and big blue eyes bright from the sunlight that poured through the window next to them. But her hair, it was a darker brown, with red streaked through, not blond like Andy had described it in the story¾and it brings out the tints of blues in her eyes even more.
“Well, this is…awkward.” Sarah says looking at Jan, who’d forgotten she was staring.
“It is a little weird huh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you into this kind of situation, I just wanted to have some closure to this maybe?”
“No, I understand, and I’m sure you were dying to see what I looked like,” Sarah says laughing, and Jan blushes for a second, smiling at her. “Really Jan, I wouldn’t have come if I felt too weird. I didn’t know how I would feel, I’ve just become numb lately, ya know. How are you doing?”
“OK.”
“Yeah?”
More silence.
“Oh, here’s that notebook,” Jan says reaching into her purse, pulling it out, and handing it across the table to her.
Sarah takes it, and holds it in both hands a second, just looking at it. Then she laughs.
“He gave this to me right before we’d quit talking back in October…I found it, buried under some stuff on my dresser a month ago; it’s what made me e-mail him again. When he came back over for the first time I gave it back to him, and told him to write in it again for me…”
“What did he tell you about us?”
“He told me the truth Jan. He told me you were separated, and that things were confusing. I knew he wasn’t one hundred percent sure what would happen with you two. I could always see it in his eyes when he’d talk about you. He tried to warn me about himself, and how crazy he was,” she says putting quotes in the air around ‘crazy’, and Jan smiles. It was quiet a moment. “But, I don’t know…at that point I was becoming caught up…when we first met I was still living with Michael, my ex, and I think you’d just moved out, so we never really talked seriously about being together or anything. When I wasn’t with Michael, and he was still kinda in the same situation, I didn’t really know what to think. He’d tell me to be patient, that you guys were done and it was only a matter of time before one of you filed for divorce…”
“I don’t know, we were done at that point, I think, but he should’ve been honest about it all with me. What happened with you and Michael?”
“I wasn’t happy for a long time, I mean we’d been together since we were sixteen, we were just kids when we met, things change...There’s a story in there about the night Andy met you.”
“Really? That must be new, or new since I’d seen it last…”
Jan says looking at her look at it, “were you guys falling in love?” Jan asks impulsively, then realizing it was a bit abrupt.
There’s silence. Sarah looks out the window at a tree tugged and pulled by the afternoon wind. Jan just sits there looking at her, at her profile, and those giant blue eyes staring off through the bare branches.
“I don’t know…I was really just discovering him ya know…”
“I’m sorry.” Jan says looking down, “that wasn’t a fair question…”
“Jan, he hadn’t told me everything, like the fact that you didn’t know about me yet, I didn’t know about that until Matt told me,” Jan’s eyes widen, unaware, “I just liked spending time with him, ya know? He was always a total sweetheart, and so into me all the time…but he never stayed the night, even though I always asked him to…” she says looking across the table at Jan, sincerity in her blue eyes as if she needed her to understand, “I don’t know, there were just little things that made me kinda apprehensive about us…”
“Did you guys sleep together that night, you know the night he…”
Sarah looks down; trying to hold back tears, but begins to cry. When Jan sees her reaction she begins to cry too.
There’s a long silence. People sitting around them are looking at them; both have tears streaming down their faces. They notice, and both grab their napkins at the same time, looking at each other, laughing.
“God, I must look horrid, do I have mascara everywhere,” Sarah says, and Jan reaches across the table,
“Just a little right here,” she says, wiping it with her finger.
“Thanks.”
“What about me?”
“No, I think you got it all,” Sarah says smiling.
“I guess this is why nobody’s come to take our order yet,” Jan says, laughing.
It’s quiet a moment.
Jan smirks, “Andy, he, a, he had a lot of issues. I think I saw sides of him that nobody else ever saw, or ever will now…there was an anger there I didn’t understand, and I was too afraid it would never go away. I just couldn’t get past that I guess. He couldn’t control it around Maddy and I; that scared me. And, every time I thought we were back to normal he’d have a blow out, or he’d say something really insulting and fucked up to me. It just got to a point where I couldn’t go back to constantly being in fear of setting him off…and being let down. I loved him, I always will, but I deserved better, that’s all there was to it.”
“He told me you thought he was crazy, I never understood that, I never even saw him get mad.”
“Exactly, you never saw him like that…you never wanted to see him like that Sarah, it was a completely different side of him.”
“What would he do?”
“I’ve seen him rage, screaming and hitting things. He broke two or three of our phones, and I mean to pieces, not just so they didn’t work, throwing them against walls. He punched holes in walls, he kicked over our dinning room table once, and cracked it right down the middle, right in front of Maddy. One time he cornered Maddy and I in her room, literally sitting on the ground, screaming and crying like a child, right in front of us, never seeming to care what he was doing to her…”
“Wow, I had no idea…how’s Maddy doing?”
“She misses her daddy…she’s been very quiet and sad. Dealing with her lately has been breaking my heart more than anything else…”
“She’s gorgeous Jan.”
“Thanks.”
“Look Jan, I’m really sorry if what was going on shouldn’t have been going on yet. I don’t know. I just really liked him ya know. I was just kinda taking it one day at a time…”
“We wouldn’t have ever gotten back together…I just wish he would’ve been straight with me about you that’s all.”
“Yeah, I know…do you have somebody?”
“No, I don’t do anything but go to school and hang out with Maddy. I never went anywhere, or met anybody. I couldn’t believe he’d started going to Slowjoes right after I had moved out, like he wanted to find somebody.” At that Sarah smiles.
“Slowjoes, God, that’s right...”
“Hello?”
“Hey Matt.”
“Hey Jan…how are things?”
“OK…fucked up…you know. How are you doing?”
“I don’t know, still pretty fucked up too…Kale and Tom are here right now, we just started drinkin’, I finished calling everyone though...”
“Thanks Matt, I really appreciate you doing that for me… How’d it go?
“About the same as that first night. I did finally talk to Shawn last night though…that was hard, telling him…”
“Oh God, I forgot about Shawn, how’d he take it?”
“Hard…I called ‘em back later and he wouldn’t answer, and nobody there answered today, so I don’t know…I’m guessin’ he’ll show up here tonight or tomorrow.”
“…I miss you guys, you better keep in touch after all this.”
“You know I will.”
“Yeah, but make sure they do too, I know how they are Matt…”
“Yeah, I know, I’ll do my best. Any word on the funeral?”
“We’re still trying to figure out where it’s going to be, but I think it’ll be on Saturday. I’ll probably know for sure tomorrow. Also Matt, I, a, I’m trying to figure out why he was up on that road when it happened, do you have any idea?”
“Yeah, kinda…I didn’t say anything Tuesday because you’d just told me, and you were a mess…we both were a mess…he was coming back from Tehachapi.”
“What would he be doing in Tehachapi?”
“He had a friend there.”
“What kind of friend, a girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Who was she?”
“Sarah.”
“Sarah, Sarah who, did I know her?”
“No.”
“Who was she then?”
“Jan, I don’t...”
“Matt, just be fucking real with me, tell me what was up.”
“She was a girl he was seeing up there, none of us knew her really…they’d met at SlowJoes a while ago.”
“He’d been seeing her for a while?”
“No, he...”
“…And SlowJoes, what, did you guys go there all the time after I stopped living there?”
“No, it wasn’t like that at all Jan, he’d only gone there a couple times. The night he met her I wasn’t even there, he was with Dalton...”
“Oh, of course, Dalton…”
“Just wait, listen…He hadn’t been seeing her for a while, they talked and e-mailed each other off and on after they’d met, months ago, back in like September. But, a couple weeks after she just stopped e-mailing or calling him back. He said she was living with her boyfriend or something at the time…shit Jan, I just found all this out a couple weeks ago.”
“What?”
“He kept it all quiet, even from me. I mean Dalton told me about them the day after they met, at work, but Andy never told us he’d kept in touch with her after that night.”
“So, she had a boyfriend and Andy was getting with her?”
“No, I don’t think he did anything with her back then, or even saw her, they just e-mailed each other and talked on the phone once in a while. She e-mailed him again a few weeks ago, that’s when he started seeing her more seriously… ”
“When did he finally let you in on all this?”
“Well, one night he just started talkin’ about her. He said he’d been talking to her a lot, and driven up there a couple of times to see her…I was surprised, seriously Jan. I went to Slowjoes with him one night to meet her, and her friends...”
“When was this?”
“Couple weeks ago…I wanted to get out, get drunk, hangout with some chicks, ya know? And, I was curious...”
“Yeah, I’m sure you were. Well, what was she like? Was she hot at least?”
“Yeah, she’s pretty…”
“How pretty?”
“Come on Jan…”
“What’d she look like?”
“I don’t know, big blue eyes that kinda stood out, cute face, straight blond hair ‘bout down to her shoulders…a big ass…”
“Big in a good way or big in a bad way?”
“In a good way…”
“What about her friends?”
“Not as hot as she was, they were cool though…look Jan, I gave him a hard time about her at first because of you guys...”
“Don’t give me that shit Matt, I know how you are…”
“Nah seriously, it wasn’t like that…I did, I fucked with him about still being married, but I think it was kinda getting’ to him; he’d get all quiet. She was just how he was dealing with it all, ya know? He was lonely, I mean you haven’t lived there for close to a year now…he told me you’d wanted to divorce him at that point, that you didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. I didn’t know what to think about it all, I thought you guys were really done, ya know? As a man, I kinda understood it all...”
“Does everyone know about her now Matt, know that he was coming back from seeing her that night?”
“No, it’s not like that. As far as I know Dalton and I are the only ones who knew he’d been seeing her at all, and I tell people that ask, even these guys, I tell ‘em I don’t know why he was on that road; I don’t wanna deal with all that shit right now.”
Silence.
“So, he was sleeping with her huh?”
“I don’t know...”
“Matt, it was three in the morning when he got in the accident, don’t give me that shit, I know he’d tell you…he had huh?’
She begins to cry.
“ Jan…are you gonna be ok with all this?”
“No.”
“God, I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have brought all this up right now¾”
“Stop fuckin’ apologizing Matt, you’re only telling me what he should’ve told me...”
“You know he was always madly in love with you, he was constantly telling me how bad he wanted you and Maddy living there again…and most of the time he was trying really hard to be what he thought you wanted him to be.”
“I know…and I know he wanted us back there, but he was only lonely, he wasn’t willing to change like I wanted him to…”
“Maybe he didn’t know how to change like you wanted him to.”
“Either way Matt, his wanting us back wasn’t making it happen. I mean come on, he still got mad at me all the time, and said things to me that were totally out of line...the other day he told me to ‘fuck off’, right in front of Maddy…he doesn’t tell you about those times does he…”
“He didn’t love this girl Jan.”
“How do you know? He was sleeping with her…”
“Come on, you know how that is.”
“Oh, I do? I know you boys, I know it’s always gotta be about that…”
“Come on Jan¾”
“I should’ve expected it I guess…”
“…maybe…”
“It’s just, hearing it like this, now, after he’s gone…it’s all just too damn unfair.”
“Jan, I’m sorry…”
2
“January, when do you have to have it all out of here? Have you talked to his landlord about that yet?” Her mom asks loudly, standing in the middle of Andy’s living room¾it’s a typical square apartment living room, three-cushion couch on one wall and an entertainment center sandwiched between two bookshelves on the other. Her mom looks just like her, straight brown hair that rests just past her shoulders, only where Jan’s has streaks of blond from a Sunday desert sun, her mom’s has streaks of gray¾and like Jan’s always either in a pony tail, or tucked behind her ears. There are likenesses in her mom’s beautiful, aged movie star face, the cursive nose, round, sincere green-blue eyes.
Jan enters the entryway behind her, holding two cardboard boxes in each hand,
“She was nice about it mom, she told me no hurry, it’s the beginning of the month anyway, he just paid rent,” she says, out of breath, dropping the boxes and walking into the living room where she stands next to her mom. “God mom, remember this couch…it’s still nice, kinda,” she says sitting down on the aged blue couch.
She begins looking around the room and noticing the memories, his smell still floating in the air, the angry knuckle imprint in the wall right next to the front door, a glass half full of what looks to be melted ice and coke on the table next to the couch, and his body’s shape, still indented in the cushions of the small white chair where he’d sit to watch TV or write in his notebooks.
She turns, and her eyes find the pictures scattered across the top of the bookshelves. She stands, walks to them quietly, grabs one, holds it a second, holding back the tears, then another, this one of Andy and his mom at his high school graduation
“Things like this mom, this is the kind of stuff I was talking about last night, should I give this to his dad?”
“I don’t know honey, would his dad really want stuff like that? It may just end up in a box somewhere. I think you should save it all for you and Maddy.”
Jan puts that one back, spotting a larger frame further back,
“Mom, look,” she says reaching up and grabbing it. The picture looks down on Andy holding a newborn Maddy in his arms. She holds it there, quietly becoming lost in the image, and soon they’re both staring into it.
Jan begins to cry.
“That’s when I loved him most mom…the day she was born…”
“I know…Gaad, she’s going to miss him soo much...”
Jan’s silent.
Her mom sighs, pulling away, and shaking her head. She walks over to grab an empty cardboard box from the entryway. She picks it up, and walks over to one of the bookshelves full of books, and drops the box right in front of it.
“Did he really read all of these books?” she asks perusing the shelves, her fingers finding titles.
“He read a most of them…he was funny about books.” Jan says, looking up from the picture and walking over to where her mom is. “He was funny like that, he’d buy books at that thrift store up the street, and be all excited about one, then a week later he’d find another one there, and start it; sometimes he’d never go back to finish the first one. Up there, that’s all his writing stuff mom, I want that in a separate box,” she says pointing to a stack of folders and notebooks of various sizes leaned by themselves on the highest shelf. A lot of that I haven’t even seen or read,” she says reaching with her free hand to grab them, but she struggles to grip it.
“Here honey, let me help you,” her mom says, grabbing the stack out with two hands.
“Thanks mommy.”
“Let’s read some of it right now.”
“I don’t know…”
“Let’s…” her mom says, looking at her with this short smile.
“Go ahead,” Jan responds, with the same half smile.
And her mom takes it all over to the couch where she sits down, dropping the stack on her lap. She opens the cover of a square composition book on top¾it’s one of those typical black and white speckled hard covered ones, like you’d buy for school.
“What did he usually write about January?”
“He wrote about all kinds of things,” she says sitting down next to her, the large picture frame still in her hands. “He usually wrote poetry, he wrote a lot of short stories…they were always either about his friends, or girls, he wrote a lot about girls,” she says softly. Jan begins to cry, holding it back. “Mom, when do you think I’ll be able to do things like this without crying? I’m so sick of crying…”
“Hon, it’s only been four days.”
“I know, but I’ve cried enough in those four days…”
“January, it may take months, it may take years. There may be things that will always make you cry, like that picture,” she says softly. “Remember Susan, my friend that that died in that car accident I was in, in high school?
“Yeah.”
“There was this picture I had of my her. Someone took it on our first day of school, our junior year, that year before she died. It was from our waists up, and we were both holding out our t-shirts to the camera, laughing. Susan’s was a black Pink Floyd shirt, with the rainbow thingy, ya know, The Dark Side of the Moon album? Mine, well, actually it was her sisters, but it became mine later ‘cause I wore it so much, had this big picture of Robert Plant on stage, this white button-up shirt opened, barely hanging on his shoulders, his chest all exposed, his skin tight leather pants on, and that curly blond hair just all over the place, God, he was so sexy…the big Led Zepplin logo was across the top in red. We both loved that shirt. I wore it all the time...Anyway, after she died, every time I looked at that picture I’d break down…It would just bring back this flood of memories, that shirt, her smile, god, just thinking about it makes me wanna cry. That was the only picture that really made me feel like that, but I always kept it close to me, in the drawer, by my bed”
It’s quiet a moment.
“But January, let’s read some of his writing, maybe we’ll find some stories in here about you, or a poem…I want to see how he wrote,” she says softly, looking down at the composition book on her lap, opened to the first page, “Here’s a poem, it says ‘Take me away’.”
“Read it to me.”
Her mom begins to read aloud,
“I wanted to escape,
but she pulled me back in by my shirtsleeve,
‘come here’, she said, sweet, low like¾
you know that voice they get
when they want something.
‘What?’ ‘Just…’ and she pulled harder,
then on her tippy toes
she whispered,
lips close to my ear on purpose,
‘you don’t want to go,’
‘Yeah I do.’
‘Then go.’ And she let go, and I fell back,
realizing she was holding me there.
I began to walk backwards, slow,
just looking at her,
her looking at me,
that’s when I get those eyes,
looking through me
like radiation flows through solids,
they’d melt into me
the words, the feelings of wanting and needing.
They’d pull me in¾and before I know it,
I’m walking forward
toward her again,
only because
somewhere down deep I know
the second that door’s closed
she’ll push me into it,
find my lips,
and take me away.’
Is this about you honey?”
“Doesn’t sound like it…I don’t know mom, maybe, he wrote all kinds of things about different girls.”
“What, did he have a lot of girls beside you?” she says looking at her with her ‘concerned’ eyes.
“Before me.”
Her mom skims the following pages and begins to read another poem under her breath. Jan still sits there quietly, now looking off into the wall, as if lost in a memory.
“What’s this?”
“It mentions marijuana here Jan,” and her mom reads it aloud,
“What’s it say?”
Her mom reads it,
‘…Let the pen move across paper,
and marijuana mind take over,
so I can quickly get lost in an old memory,
or new one…’
Did he still smoke pot?”
“Mom, come on, you knew he did. Remember when I came home that time, and it smelt like it? He tried to lie to me about it, but I found his pipe and everything that afternoon. We got into that big fight and I came over after...”
“That’s right…”
“Shit, I wouldn’t doubt it if we found his stash around here somewhere,” she says, setting the picture frame down on the couch and standing up, looking around the room for possible hiding places.
“Here’s another one about a girl...”
“What’s it say, read it to me?” Jan says over her shoulder, now bending down on the floor looking into the cupboards underneath the entertainment center. Her mom begins to read,
‘Sweaty shoulder, sweet,
you know what you do,
and I want it so bad, but can’t,
but would if alone with you.
Steal, then inspire,
A soul darkened by things
that cover up what really matters,
the raw attraction, the touch, close.’ Is this about you?”
“I don’t know mom,” Jan says annoyed, now up off the floor. She walks over to the closet, opens it and begins to look around inside. She pulls out a burgundy backpack from the back corner, “I bet it’s in here.”
“What’s in there?”
“His stash mom,” she says, unzipping a small pocket on the front of the backpack. “Aah, look,” Jan says smiling, pulling out a small, black film container. She walks over and drops the backpack on the kitchen counter, then pops open the container, looking inside. A smile forms on her face. Then she goes back to the pocket of the backpack, “His pipe and lighter are in here too, all of it conveniently hidden in one place, some things just never changes with him…”
“What? Let me see,” her mom says, finally looking up from the notebook, and Jan holds it all up for her to see.
“Wow honey…he didn’t do that around Maddy did he?” she asks with her ‘concerned’ eyes again, squinting slightly soft wrinkles extending out around them.
“I hope not. I don’t think he’d do that,” Jan says shaking her head.
“But January, come over here, let’s find stories in here about you and him, things he wrote about you…maybe that last one was honey?”
“I don’t know mom, why does it matter? Shit, half the time he wrote about girls from his past. Those could be poems about some girl he dated years ago.” Jan comes over and sits down next to her mom on the couch, “let me see it for a second,” she says rudely taking the composition book off her mom’s lap¾at which her mom gives a dirty look.
“Hold on mom, I just wanna look through it for a second,” Jan says, flipping through the pages, reading parts of things…“This may not be his recent stuff…” She reads a poem under her breath. None of these sound like they’re about me…wait, here it says Sarah, the title of this is Sarah, I bet this is about her,” Jan says, beginning to read.
“Who’s Sarah?”
“Sarah, that’s her.”
“Who?”
“You know, the one in Tehachapi, the one he was coming back from seeing that night…it looks like there’s a whole story here about her…Isn’t that sweet,” Jan says sarcastically.
“Read it to me, what’s it say?” “I don’t know if I wanna read this right now,” Jan says closing it, looking up at her mom leaving her thumb on the page. “Let’s smoke some of that pot instead,” she says, looking at her mom with a smirk, then at the backpack.
“Are you kidding me?”
“No, I’m dead serious,” she says getting up, dropping the notebook on the couch. She walks back over to the backpack, “It’s just you and me here, nobody has to know.”
“Honey, I haven’t smoked pot in twenty years, I’m afraid of what would happen to me.”
“Come on mom, nothing’s going to happen to you. It’ll be fun.”
“No honey I don’t want to, you can if you want though,” her mom says, picking the composition book back up, and re-opening it on her lap.
“Mom, come on, I don’t wanna do it by myself.”
“Why not, it might make you feel better,” she says looking over at Jan who’d already began to take a small nugget from the little black container, placing it carefully into the small, green metal pipe.
Jan walks back over and sits down next to her mom, and holds the pipe and lighter up to her, “Come on mommy, do it for me, I won’t say anything.”
“No,” her mom says, laughing at her persistence, not looking up from the composition book.
“Stop reading that for a second and look at me.”
Her mom looks up at her, then at the pipe. She gives Jan this crinkled forehead, contemplative look, then smiles, drops the notebook and takes the pipe, putting it to her lips and motioning Jan to light it for her. Jan smiles and lights it as her mom puffs away, then coughs loudly with a sloppy exhale of smoke.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” cough, cough, “yeah I’m fine,” she says regaining her breath, giving the pipe back to Jan, who smokes it with flawless exhale¾her mom watching intently.
“What, do you smoke all the time too?”
Jan shakes her head, “Come on mom you know me, I haven’t smoked since I was in high school.” Which is a lie, she smokes occasionally with her friends, but never around Andy; that would’ve been hypocritical of her, for her constant harassing him about it.
She gives it back to her mom, who this time hits it much smoother, giving only a small cough and laugh as she exhales, “Honey, we definitely didn’t have weed that tasted like this when I was young,” she says smiling, handing Jan back the pipe. They both look at each other with red, squinted eyes and start laughing.
“We should read this story, or poem, or whatever it was,” her mom says, the notebook already re-opened on her lap. She looks at Jan who thinks about it for a second.
“I don’t know mom. I mean you can if you want, I just don’t know if I wanna read that right now.”
“I understand.” Her mom says, putting her hand on her leg, “I shouldn’t push it.”
It’s quiet a minute,
“OK, but you read it to me, and if I say stop, stop.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”“ I’m so high honey…” her mom says laughing.
“You’re such a light weight mommy.”
“January, it’s been twenty years, give me a break…Alright, let’s read this, you ready?”
“Yeah.”
“…OK, here goes, ‘If you drive west, past the last of the happy track homes, toward only the brown emptiness and setting sun of the hot desert afternoon you can eventually turn left onto an ancient street that leads due north, and is strewn with potholes the size of giant’s footsteps; where only desert sage, joshuas, and 110 degree onion fields, full of dark skinned migrant workers scatter the sides. Here, you climb from the desert ocean that stretches off into the horizon, up the fingers of rolling hills, into green mountains where pine trees scatter as you go higher, and rows of giant metal tower wind propellers¾like enormous robot guardians¾protect the small pocket of heaven on the other side of the hills from the despair of the desert. I fell in love with this drive, on that lonely road, because I could stretch my mind out across the openness of those scenic sunset afternoons and straighten out aching frustrations. And, I could leave the desolate desert sadnesses behind, and escape into the place on the other side; a little oasis in the hills where Sarah lived…’ He tried to be very poetic didn’t he?”
“Yeah, I never liked it really. He didn’t used to write like that. It’s funny, after he started reading certain books his writing would change, he would start to sound like one author, then another…sometimes it was kinda cool, ‘cause he’d make it his own, yet kinda theirs at the same time, ya know?” she says softly with sadness in her voice, “But, I didn’t like all the wordiness…I liked his writing when he was younger, it was raw, less manufactured…looking back I probably gave him too hard a time about it though…” she ends sadly.
“Are you sure your in the mood for this right now honey? I mean, there are a lot of other things we need to do.
“No mom, come on, keep going.”
“Ok… ‘First though, I have to take you back to that night, long before I fell in love with that road, and the place it led me; back to the night I first saw her.
‘See, my wife and I had just separated. It had only been a couple weeks since she’d moved out, and I remember being emotionally drained from the stresses of arguments between her and I about money, about our daughter, and what ever else she could conjure up on any given day.’” Her mom looks at her, smiles, goes back to reading.
“ ‘On top of that I’d just started the new school year teaching sixth and seventh graders, which meant the addition of one hundred and fifty or so eleven and twelve year olds to my relentless anxiety and chronic, incurable headache¾that for weeks never seemed to go away, no matter how many Excedrin I took, producing in me a melancholy that bordered on depression.
‘So, when Dalton insisted I go with him to this local bar/nightclub called Slowjoes to unwind on some random Wednesday night, I welcomed the opportunity. See, here in the desert, any bar that played loud, trendy music at least one night a week, and had a place to dance, could be considered a nightclub I suppose, and Slowjoes could be considered our local ‘cool’ nightclub¾even though it was usually full of country cowboy types, or meat head pool players drunk on Miller high life.
‘On Wednesdays it was ladies night there, and females eighteen and over got in free, and drink specials meant those old enough would laugh and dance drunk late into the night; and I liked the idea of that. Thing was, I’d never been to Slowjoes before, I’d only heard stories from Dalton¾who’d recently ended his relationship of three years and become quite the local there. He’d been telling me for weeks that there were girls there now and then worth the trip, and hangover the next morning¾but, I always knew that in the desert the attractive drunk jewels I liked to imagine being there were just that, conjured imaginings, the reality of course being you see maybe one or two mediocre young girls, who from a distant are sometimes dissent at first, then hotter as the rum sinks in.
‘Upon entering SlowJoes there’s large, overweight meathead bouncer that pats you down and checks your ID with FBI intention in their eyes¾serious, looking through yours as they hold it next to your face.
‘Once inside, there’s a large patio of sorts, with long, rectangular windows that open out to the sidewalk on one side, booths along the opposite side, and tables scattering the floor between. Then, there there’s the soup of people to cut through, scattered around the tables¾jock types with shiny styled hair, polo or collared button up shirts on, attractive young high school looking girls under their arms, old men with gray hair, and tight levis, t-shirts tucked in, fat girls with eighties styled bangs sprayed up high; and once through the crowd there’s a small, low-key bar that’s off to one side with stools in front of it.
‘We planted ourselves on two of them where Dalton knew the bartender who kept ‘em strong as he watched our ‘vanishing rum and Cokes show’; one after another disappearing from the bar top…’ “Did he really drink like that January?”
“No, not usually, not rum and coke. When he was with me it was always beer, he didn’t usually drink hard alcohol anymore. But, here, he’s out with Dalton, so I guess he’s gotta drink the harder stuff, ya know?”
She smiles, and nods, then continues,“ ‘…until we were finally buzzed enough to check out the dance floor in the deep, dark back of the place.
‘Dalton looked at me and smiled. He stood up, and I stumbled off my barstool, gathered my senses and had to quickly follow him to the dance floor¾who like a war general pushed his way through the crowd making a path.
‘I knew the dance floor was where the girls would be if there were any there truly worth looking at, or wanting to be looked at. And this is where you get to see female’s true sexinesses, the whole floor was alive, moving to music that bounced and pulsated off black lit walls, as lights flashed above generating an array of colors illuminating the bobbing heads of the dancers.
‘We became part of the stew of sideliners¾boys standing around watching the girls, with either no intention to dance, or like us, eyeing out the prospects. We stood there a second, right on the edge of the floor, mapping out who might be hidden amongst the random desert crowd; myself still finishing the sixth or so Rum and Coke--drinks weren’t aloud on the dance floor and there was one of those large, overweight meathead men with a bully mean face hiding there in a dark corner, who I would’ve never seen if Dalton hadn’t put his arm out to stop me just before I stepped out onto the floor, then motioning with his eyes to the large man whose own eyes were squinted and focused only on me, wanting so bad to spring in with all his slow fatness and use unnecessary force to fling me off into the distance; just to make an example of me.
‘At this point I was really jonesing for a face, just one alone, one that lit that fire, and would allow me to just pull up with this cute shiny smile, move in close, and feel alive with the raw, nervousness of newness.
‘Dalton disappeared onto the floor, and I watched him find a small dark corner where two young looking, dark skinned, latino girls danced in the darkness. They had pretty Spanish faces, big brown eyes, with tight pants, and Dalton could dance, moving in low to them at first, smiling, them smiling and laughing in return.
‘I filtered through the crowd with my eyes, hoping to spot that one lonely jewel who couldn’t resist…then there she was.
‘It was as if every face on the floor disappeared leaving only hers¾and I know that sounds cliché and corny, but this is literal, she was actually that excitably hot looking, beer goggles or no beer goggles, just one of those faces that stands out in any crowd, soft glow skin, full lips, and these big blue marbles for eyes that sparkled under the reds, purples and greens of lights above, straight blond hair loose and bouncing on her shoulders.
‘I walked over to a table to set down my now empty glass, and moved in to see her from a different angle. She didn’t appear to be with any boys, just two girlfriends that smiled and laughed at each other as they danced together. I moved onto the floor slowly as the song came to an end, and as I got closer I could feel my heartbeat thumpthumpthump as I began to bounce and dance my way slowly through the bodies that bumped into me as the new song began.
‘I pushed through quicker, came up behind her and started moving with her¾at a distance at first, and her friends smiled at me, her unaware. Then I came in really close, and put my nose in her hair, her hands and arms brushed mine¾which when she felt she immediately turned to face me surprised with those blue marbles shimmering in colorful strobe, and her big smile greeting me.’
‘What’s your name,’ I said, ‘Sarah,’ she responded, surprised, and squinted her eyes, unsure, then turned away from me, but continued to move with me, close.’
‘It’s magnetics pulling when you feel it on both sides, and she liked my dance moves, nice guy smile, and fingertips slowing inching their way up and down the lower part of her arms as she danced closer. It was then that I knew she was becoming turned on by the same newness tinge¾when all that matters is that feeling, and I was getting my fill just being there next to her.”
“Stop there.” Jan said, putting her hand on her mom’s arm, who just looks at her for a second with her ‘concerned’ eyes.
“What’s wrong?” and Jan is silent, eyes closed, clearly trying to hold back tears.
“That was us once…and he would write about me like that mom, and I loved it. I loved it when it was about me…but I never told him. I can’t ever tell him now, or listen to him defend himself, defend his writing to me like he used to…God, why did he ever have to defend it to me. It sucks it was ever like that. Why didn’t I just tell him I loved what wrote, even if I didn’t like how he wrote it…I was so fuckin’ stupid for being that way to him.”
3
“Hello?”
“Matt, it’s me.”
“Hey Jan, how are ya?”
“Tired, hanging in there though. How ‘bout you?”
“Hung-Over, we drank a lot last night…”
“I’m sure you did…”
“So, what’s going on?”
The funeral’s going to be Saturday, at that church Eric and Susan got married at, over on P, ‘member? We’ll have the services there, and then I thought just his closest friends, ya know, whoever you think, could come to the cemetery with us.”
“Ok, I’ll tell a few people. It’ll probably be the same people you’d pick...”
“I know, I just don’t wanna even think right now, I’m exhausted…and Matt, just try not to leave anybody out, anyone that might get upset they weren’t invited…”
“I know, I won’t. Is there anything else you need?”
“Did you call that girl Sarah, or has someone gotten in touch with her?”
“No. I don’t have her number.”
“I wonder if she even knows about Andy?”
“I guess it’s possible she read about it in the paper or something, because I’m sure she’s been trying to call him...don’t you have his cell?
“See, that’s the thing, I couldn’t find her name in his cell phone, or written down anywhere...It’s turned off, I didn’t want to answer it if it rang…”
“You should turn it on, see if she’s called.”
“OK, hold on…there’s twelve calls, Larry, Larry, No number…Who’s Larry?”
“Larry, that’s her.”
“What?”
“He kept it in his phone under Larry so you wouldn’t question who she was, or why this random girl’s name was in there.”
“I never even touched his cell phone…”
“I don’t know Jan, I think he thought that if you found out about him and any girl you’d never go back to him, he’d loose you forever…I think somewhere deep inside he always thought you’d get back together…someday.”
“Here’s her number,” she says looking at the phone, “there’s Larry and LarryHm, maybe I’ll just call her.”
“Really?”
“I don’t know, I found this notebook he had, it has stories and poems in it that I think are all about her…I just kind of felt like maybe she needed something of his, and maybe she wants to come to the funeral.”
“Don’t you think that’d be weird?”
“Yeah maybe, I don’t know, it seems like the right thing to do, don’t you think?”
“Let me call her first and make sure she knows about it, then you can call. That would really suck, you having to tell her he’s dead, ya know?”
“Yeah...I guess.”
“Give me the numbers.”
4
“Hello, is Sarah there?”
“Yeah, hold on, ‘Sarah, phooone.”
“Hello.”
“Hi, Sarah?”
“Yeah?”
“This is Jan, January, Andy’s wife.” There’s a second or two of silence. “Hello, are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” she says softly.
“I know this is weird, but Matt told me he’d talked to you, and I wanted to at least invite you to the services myself? Do you know where that’s at?”
“Yeah.”
“I, a, I wanted to give you something too.”
“What.”
“It’s a notebook, Andy had this notebook with a bunch of stuff he’d written about you in it…”
Sarah begins to cry.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” she whispers. “Thanks for calling…I don’t know if I’m gonna go yet...”
“Don’t feel weird about going...”
“I know…I’m sorry this is just weird talking and crying on the phone with you.”
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring the notebook to the funeral. If you do decide to go, and feel up to it, look for me, and I’ll give it to you, ok?”
“Thanks Jan…I do appreciate you calling.”
5
“So, I think I have everything…Jan, are you sure you’re gonna be ok tonight? I can stay as long as you need.”
“No mom, I’ll be fine.”
“Maddys finally sleeping?”
“Yeah…today was hard.”
“I know. It’s been heart wrenching watching her go through this…are you sure you’re gonna be ok alone?” she says putting her hand on her shoulder.
“Yeah, I’d tell you if I wasn’t mom. I need some quiet, alone time.”
“So, she never showed up to get that from you yesterday?” her mom says spotting the notebook on the small table in the entryway.
“No, but Matt told me he saw her there, in the back after things had started.”
“It would’ve been weird don’t you think.”
“Maybe, I kinda wanted to see what she looked like though, ya know?”
“What did Matt say she looked like?”
“Pretty. I was actually thinking about calling her tomorrow, maybe meeting her for lunch sometime.” “You’re that curious huh?”
“I don’t know mom, I just feel like I wanna get rid of that thing, it belongs to her…”
“Send it to her.”
“Nah, I wanna see her…” at that her mom laughs.
“Did you finish reading through it?”
“No, I haven’t opened it since that day.”
“January, we should finish that story, it didn’t look very long,” her mom says picking the notebook up.
Jan looks at it for a second, “OK.” She grabs it and they both walk over to the couch.
“You want something to drink, some coffee, I have some left here?” Jan asks, just before she sits down.
“Yeah, coffee would be good.”
She walks over and returns with a cup, handing it to her mom, who’s already opened the notebook up to the story.
“Do you even remember where we left off?” Jan asks sitting down next to her.
“Umm, I don’t know, I was so high honey, “ and they both start laughing.
“No, seriously, I think we were right here, on the dance floor, ‘I was getting my fill…are you ready for this? Maybe it’s a bad idea right now.”
“Just read it, I’d rather you be here, reading it to me, ‘cause you know I’d end up reading it by myself if it sat here long enough, and I’d be alone...”
“Alright…here goes, ‘and I was getting my fill just being next to her, and she moved in closer, the early shyness already beginning to disappear. She smelt like that section in the back of Victoria’s Secret stores, just this turn me on mixture of berry fragrances, sweaty sweet. Her skin was moist and sticky, and she’d dance with her back turned, putting her ass into me¾bare skin exposed just above the top of her jeans where the purple velvet of her g-string underwear showed. I put my lips on her shoulder to taste the salty sweetness, running my fingers softly across the small of her back, around onto her tummy as we moved together. She leaned her head back a little, and exposed her neck, and I couldn’t resist kissing it. When I did she snapped forward, turned and gave me this smirk as goose bumps formed across her shoulders. I just laughed.
‘Her friends found guys, then a table in the back; clearly getting tired, and that’s when I knew the night was coming to an end. The crowd on the floor had shrunk to four or five dancing couples. Her friends were still smiling drunk, but I could tell they were board and ready to go¾this I knew from their ‘let’s go’ faces looking at us from across the dance floor.
‘At first she ignored them, just smiled and continued to dance close. Then she turned to me and said, ‘I gotta go…’ frustrated
‘You gonna give me your number or what?’ I said to her. ‘I, a, I kinda have a boyfriend…’ she said looking at me with this ‘I’m sorry’ look in those bright blue eyes.
‘So.’
‘Here,’ and she read the number to me as I put it into my phone, then she tugged me close and whispered, ‘I gotta go, I had fun though…call me…’ her lips and soft voice close to my ear, before slowly pulling away.”
“That’s all there is Jan, it stops there.” Jan’s mom examines it a second; “there’s a poem on the next page, but no more of that story, it stops right there in the middle of the page.”
“He never finished it…”
6
“Jan?” and she turns to see her, “Hey, I’m Sarah.”
“Hey Sarah, nice to meet you.” Jan says half standing from the booth seat, reaching out to shake her hand. “Do you even like Italian food, I didn’t even ask. I just said here because it’s right off the freeway; I didn’t really know where to go…”
“No, this place is fine.”
There’s an uncomfortable silence as Sarah sits down and gets situated. Jan watches her, noticing her flawless soft skin face, and big blue eyes bright from the sunlight that poured through the window next to them. But her hair, it was a darker brown, with red streaked through, not blond like Andy had described it in the story¾and it brings out the tints of blues in her eyes even more.
“Well, this is…awkward.” Sarah says looking at Jan, who’d forgotten she was staring.
“It is a little weird huh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you into this kind of situation, I just wanted to have some closure to this maybe?”
“No, I understand, and I’m sure you were dying to see what I looked like,” Sarah says laughing, and Jan blushes for a second, smiling at her. “Really Jan, I wouldn’t have come if I felt too weird. I didn’t know how I would feel, I’ve just become numb lately, ya know. How are you doing?”
“OK.”
“Yeah?”
More silence.
“Oh, here’s that notebook,” Jan says reaching into her purse, pulling it out, and handing it across the table to her.
Sarah takes it, and holds it in both hands a second, just looking at it. Then she laughs.
“He gave this to me right before we’d quit talking back in October…I found it, buried under some stuff on my dresser a month ago; it’s what made me e-mail him again. When he came back over for the first time I gave it back to him, and told him to write in it again for me…”
“What did he tell you about us?”
“He told me the truth Jan. He told me you were separated, and that things were confusing. I knew he wasn’t one hundred percent sure what would happen with you two. I could always see it in his eyes when he’d talk about you. He tried to warn me about himself, and how crazy he was,” she says putting quotes in the air around ‘crazy’, and Jan smiles. It was quiet a moment. “But, I don’t know…at that point I was becoming caught up…when we first met I was still living with Michael, my ex, and I think you’d just moved out, so we never really talked seriously about being together or anything. When I wasn’t with Michael, and he was still kinda in the same situation, I didn’t really know what to think. He’d tell me to be patient, that you guys were done and it was only a matter of time before one of you filed for divorce…”
“I don’t know, we were done at that point, I think, but he should’ve been honest about it all with me. What happened with you and Michael?”
“I wasn’t happy for a long time, I mean we’d been together since we were sixteen, we were just kids when we met, things change...There’s a story in there about the night Andy met you.”
“Really? That must be new, or new since I’d seen it last…”
Jan says looking at her look at it, “were you guys falling in love?” Jan asks impulsively, then realizing it was a bit abrupt.
There’s silence. Sarah looks out the window at a tree tugged and pulled by the afternoon wind. Jan just sits there looking at her, at her profile, and those giant blue eyes staring off through the bare branches.
“I don’t know…I was really just discovering him ya know…”
“I’m sorry.” Jan says looking down, “that wasn’t a fair question…”
“Jan, he hadn’t told me everything, like the fact that you didn’t know about me yet, I didn’t know about that until Matt told me,” Jan’s eyes widen, unaware, “I just liked spending time with him, ya know? He was always a total sweetheart, and so into me all the time…but he never stayed the night, even though I always asked him to…” she says looking across the table at Jan, sincerity in her blue eyes as if she needed her to understand, “I don’t know, there were just little things that made me kinda apprehensive about us…”
“Did you guys sleep together that night, you know the night he…”
Sarah looks down; trying to hold back tears, but begins to cry. When Jan sees her reaction she begins to cry too.
There’s a long silence. People sitting around them are looking at them; both have tears streaming down their faces. They notice, and both grab their napkins at the same time, looking at each other, laughing.
“God, I must look horrid, do I have mascara everywhere,” Sarah says, and Jan reaches across the table,
“Just a little right here,” she says, wiping it with her finger.
“Thanks.”
“What about me?”
“No, I think you got it all,” Sarah says smiling.
“I guess this is why nobody’s come to take our order yet,” Jan says, laughing.
It’s quiet a moment.
Jan smirks, “Andy, he, a, he had a lot of issues. I think I saw sides of him that nobody else ever saw, or ever will now…there was an anger there I didn’t understand, and I was too afraid it would never go away. I just couldn’t get past that I guess. He couldn’t control it around Maddy and I; that scared me. And, every time I thought we were back to normal he’d have a blow out, or he’d say something really insulting and fucked up to me. It just got to a point where I couldn’t go back to constantly being in fear of setting him off…and being let down. I loved him, I always will, but I deserved better, that’s all there was to it.”
“He told me you thought he was crazy, I never understood that, I never even saw him get mad.”
“Exactly, you never saw him like that…you never wanted to see him like that Sarah, it was a completely different side of him.”
“What would he do?”
“I’ve seen him rage, screaming and hitting things. He broke two or three of our phones, and I mean to pieces, not just so they didn’t work, throwing them against walls. He punched holes in walls, he kicked over our dinning room table once, and cracked it right down the middle, right in front of Maddy. One time he cornered Maddy and I in her room, literally sitting on the ground, screaming and crying like a child, right in front of us, never seeming to care what he was doing to her…”
“Wow, I had no idea…how’s Maddy doing?”
“She misses her daddy…she’s been very quiet and sad. Dealing with her lately has been breaking my heart more than anything else…”
“She’s gorgeous Jan.”
“Thanks.”
“Look Jan, I’m really sorry if what was going on shouldn’t have been going on yet. I don’t know. I just really liked him ya know. I was just kinda taking it one day at a time…”
“We wouldn’t have ever gotten back together…I just wish he would’ve been straight with me about you that’s all.”
“Yeah, I know…do you have somebody?”
“No, I don’t do anything but go to school and hang out with Maddy. I never went anywhere, or met anybody. I couldn’t believe he’d started going to Slowjoes right after I had moved out, like he wanted to find somebody.” At that Sarah smiles.
“Slowjoes, God, that’s right...”
posted by Hal Jalikakic @ 8:18 AM
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